we exist

eyeballs still peeled; glued rather to the seams of my eyelids. eyelashes charcoal black and thickened with lack of humanity. lack of everything everybody needs. this is not the lifestyle i chose to live, so stop telling me i can change it if i want to. you don’t know what i’ve gone through to get where i am. but i’ll tell you this; its deprived me of my happiness, my once-bigger-than-the-sky heart, and my ability to care about anything at all. i want to wrap my fragile, bone-ridden arms around your shoulders, press my lips barely against your pale, bony ear and whisper almost silently; you did this. and now look at what you’ve done to me. there no longer is a me. there is a female version of you spreading throughout my body like a disease. every detail about you included; your hate. your pain. your sorrow. your hunger. your addiction. your guilt. everything. i only feel your soul completely, because we are two halves of a whole. and together we are one person. alone, we cannot bear the pain, guilt, anger, and unhappiness. we must lean on each other. we both made promises to hold each other steady. we both knew we couldn’t go a second without the other. those thick iron bars that you lived, breathed, and slept behind remind me of what i cannot have but what i desperately need to survive. please. carry on and stop hurting me.

he twisted my words. he ate up my insides. i’ve got so many pockets of hate stored inside my being i can barely grasp onto the very life i lead. i’m finding its harder to look you in the eyes, or pretend like i don’t know you. to tell the truth, i wish i never met you. if you hadn’t walked into my life, i’d still be whole. a pretty soul; crisp, cool, collected. i used to feel so beautiful hearted and complete. now all i feel are these mountains of hatred. enormous boulders creating a monument to display their acts of crime. i am seeking comfort in anything dangerous; my reflection is not what it used to be, not even close. you are not there. you are somebody else.